In Darkness She Is All I Need
by Lantern92
Summary: Fingers trace your every outline, paint a picture with my hands. Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm; change the weather still together when it ends ...That maybe all I need...


Chapter 1

Dawn

* * *

22 months.

It had been a perfectly even 22 months since I had been on an actual date with a real person and now knew why I preferred it that way. Most of the girls I was set up on blind dates with were frivolously superficial and their charm was gormless. For some reason, my friends all felt like it was their duty to play cupid in my life. And he type of woman they unanimously agreed I was interested in was all ass and brainless. In that order. I mean, sure it would be if I was 17, horny and had nothing better to do with my time. But I wasn't.

I'd grown to appreciate a different kind of woman, and they could not have been further from the truth.

See in my mind, a carefully conceived plan had been playing out in reality for about eleven years. I was the protagonist fooling everyone into perceiving a part of me that really wasn't there. The script was unfolding perfectly, except my grand plan always led me into situations like this... miserable and frustrated. The older I got, the more I realised that trying to prove to everyone (but mostly myself) that I didn't have something wrong with me was proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

Typical story of guy in love with girl, but can't have said girl. The one person I wanted I wasn't allowed to have. And by wasn't allowed to have I didn't mean she was married, engaged, a friend's mother, deceased or anything as simple as that. Hell, I wished it was every time I inappropriately thought of her.

Simply put, the forbidden fruit that my universe revolved around was my own twin sister.

Years had passed. I spent most of them trying to talk myself out of my feelings for her. I attempted to convince myself that I loved her the way any brother would love his twin sister. That it was normal, completely ordinary and I had nothing to worry about. But I soon realised that my feelings were not as, well, innocent as I wanted them to be, no matter how much I willed it.

Summers came and Lil would often sunbathe with her friends by the pool at our childhood home. I remember the first time I spotted them from my bedroom. 17, no, it just before our 17th birthday. 5 years ago. I felt like the hugest creep in the universe when, of all the girls by the poolside, I was fixated on her. And it wasn't like there were two or three of them. She would often invite the whole fucken cheerleading team for sleepovers. Six to eight of the sexiest, most popular girls at our highschool and yet none caught my attention the way she did. In all seriousness, you don't get how unbelievably unnatural it felt to be that captivated by my sister when some of those girls had made it clear time and again that they were interested in me. After a minute of watching her like some damn predator, I looked away from my blinds. Of course I was terrified, ashamed, angry, confused... all those bad words that describe bad people.

I ignored her and kept to myself for a good six weeks while trying to place my feelings in a little black box of forbidden emotions.

However, our birthday was coming around and Lillian being Lillian began planning a huge party. She would usually come into my room to get my input on what I wanted at the party and to finalise the guest list. I kept my answers short and vague, keeping myself preoccupied with a gaming console just to avoid facing her, looking her in the eyes, lest she read my dark secret off my face... twins, remember? Long story short, she got mad at my passively rude attitude and ended up storming out.

I had just narrowly escaped that one, but I knew I could never avoid her forever. Driving early mornings before she left for school, preoccupying myself with my own group of friends at school until I got home and shutting myself in my room before she arrived from soccer practice had worked until the actual night of our party.

I was at this fancy outdoor place that usually hosted big events like birthdays, weddings, graduation parties and that type of thing. Because I had essential dropped myself from getting involved, the guest list was left to my mother and Lillian which resulted in everyone we knew showing up to wish us a happy birthday.

"Whoa," Chuckie commented as we sat in one of the two changing rooms my parents seemed to think Lil and I needed for our birthday. _For fuck's sake, it's a birthday. Not our wedding_ I had thought when I saw everything.

"I know," I said, sipping on a cold beer with my other hand in my pocket. "Lil really outdid herself this time."

"You mean you didn't have a say in any of this?" asked Tommy to which I shook my head.

"Would have been real _impressive_ if you had," he teased. I smirked and the guys laughed a bit.

"Well, it's a good thing Lil has so many girl friends," Chuckie said suggestively. "Chances of getting lucky tonight are high."

"Some of us will always get lucky," Tommy said, referring to his and Kimi's relationship. Chuck didn't look too enthusiastic about that one.

"I didn't need to know that," he said. Tommy shrugged, waving the proverbial white flag.

"The one person most likely to get all the girls is Phil," Dil interjected as he sat with his feet on a table, shuffling cards. "Girls like being with the man of the moment."

The all looked at me for some sort of excited reaction, and I nearly let my guard down thinking about seeing Lillian sunbathing. But I caught myself in time and grinned "I'm gonna need some sort of roaster."

There was a knock at the door and Chuck answered it "Oh, hey birthday girl. You look beautiful."

"Hey Chuckie," came my sister's voice. "Can I see Phil for a bit?"

"Sure thing," Chuck said. He called me over to the door and I put my beer down and braced myself, putting on the closest thing to a normal twin brother act as I could.

Seeing my sister in her short royal blue dress and white heels rendered me speechless. Chuck wasn't lying, but calling Lil beautiful was definitely the understatement of the evening. Her skin radiated, she had her long brown hair curled neatly and matching makeup to highlight her features ever so subtly. The girl had grown to become a gorgeous woman with confidence and grace to match.

"'Sup?" I asked casually as Chuckie went back inside to keep talking to the guys about girls.

"I gotta talk to you," she said. "C'mon."

I didn't question her, and did as she told. We walked to the birthday tent perched outside talking about the generic stuff, how much it all cost and what an impressive job her and my mother had done. She took me further to a couple of swings by the lake that overlooked the event and stopped, smiling at me. It may seem biased to say at this point, but I had always thought she had the most amazing smile. It lit up the whole place and had the ability to make me feel happy, no fail.

"What?" I asked from my swing.

"I have a gift for you," she replied, fishing out a small box from her clutch bag.

"No way, seriously Lillian? I didn't even get you anything!" I said.

"It's ok. I know where you live," she said giggling a bit. I scoffed, now feeling guilty that I hadn't bothered to get her anything.

Opening the carefully wrapped box, it revealed an expensive looking skeleton watch "Wow," I said. "Lil, this is... wow."

"Turn it around," she said excitedly. Turning it, I saw 'ily phil' engraved on the back and my heart melt. Looking up at my sister grinning goofily, I said "It's amazing, thank you."

"No worries," she said bubbly. "I mean, it cost me all my savings but really, you deserve it. Even though you've literally been dodging me the last couple of months."

"Sorry. I was just... going through a phase," I said. "Needed to work through everything alone. but it's all fixed now."

"It's ok."

I did not deserve this. Her forgiveness. Her gift. Her love. I had been so engrossed in trying to deny my feelings for her that I forgot to be her brother. Something that I was meant t be first and foremost. Something I would always be. Someone she could turn to for protection, care and whatever else she needed. Guilt settled where my lust boiled and was replaced by a more brotherly, selfless love for her.

"Come over here you," I said, standing with my arms wide open.

"Lol, no. No need to be gross Phillip," she mocked playfully. "A thank you is just fine."

"I'm not leaving without one," I informed her. She rolled her eyes and got up from her swing and into my arms, burying her head on my chest. Lil smelt perfect and I knew at that point I had missed this type of contact. It included not being scared of the kind of non-sexually inclined physical touch with my twin. We used to wrestle and hug and give each other pecks on the cheek since we were babies until I got weird. I suddenly understood then how she had ended up thinking I was 'dodging' her. Hell, we fought. We talked like each other's best friends and at some point in our lives were completely comfortable changing around one another and sleeping in the same bed. But that was just about it. We did it because we were twins who had spent every single waking hour of our lives together. Not because we wanted to be anything more. Anything inappropriate.

I let go of the hug and tickled her, she giggled and yelled "No Phil, stop!"

"That's my birthday gift to you," I joked.

"If you're serious you're dead," she replied. "You're lucky I'm trying not to get my dress dirty or else I would have wrestled you to the ground."

"Right. You're just a weakling," I taunted. "Admit it."

Lillian didn't take too well to that word. She never did. So before I knew it, and despite her not wanting to ruin her dress, she had me in a headlock.

"Take that back!" she threatened, tightening her hold.

"If you had asked nicely, maybe I would have," I said, effortlessly pulling out of her grip, grabbing her hands and locking them behind her so that her back was against my chest. "...You were saying?"

She tried for the life of her to wrestle out of my grip but failed miserably "When did you get so strong!" she complained as she continued to writhe, her efforts futile.

"Haha, only you can make that sound like an insult," I said enjoying having the upper hand. Despite the fact that she was creasing my perfectly ironed shirt I had pulled her even closer to me, her hair now coating my cheek and her flawlessly perky ass against my thigh. It made me revert to old habits and I knew if I held on much longer I would probably end up doing something stupid that would ruin our birthday "... You look beautiful Lillian." I said, feeling myself throb against her warm skin.

_Shit._

With that, I quickly let her go and attempted to conceal my budding erection by buttoning up my tuxedo blazer. There was no way she could have felt that... but there also was no way to be sure she had not, so I waited for some sort of reaction from her.

She was looking at me with a raised eyebrow "I know," she finally said, finally smiling that angelic smile. "You look beautiful too."

I laughed, more relieved than anything "Thanks."

The rest of the party went well, to say the least. I was glad I was back in good standing with her, but it wasn't long after that my unwanted feelings began to resurface. Now more stronger than before. This time I knew there was something wrong with the type of attraction I was feeling for her. It was strong, wrong and it resulted in dreams of her in all sorts of positions, waiting for and wanting me.

Senior year proved to be a whole different ball game. I grew ten times more overprotective than before. Guys with less than pure motives at school kept showering Lillian with interest and I steady became a ticking time bomb. I found myself lashing out at her whenever she went out on a date and at times completely ignoring her when she was in a relationship. Our fights tripled over the year and the petty jealousies quadrupled on my side. Everything became personal. By the time graduation came around I had quit fighting my repressed feelings for her and learnt to live with them. In a way, I was more able to control the situation by accepting it for what it was. I wanted to fuck my sister. I wanted to be with her. I didn't want anyone else to have her because they didn't know her like I did. To be honest, it might sound wrong, but it didn't feel wrong. It was the stigma attached to it that kept me at bay. That and the fact that she'd think I was a total pervert then probably disown me if I showed or did anything out of place. And a life without Lillian was one life I never wanted to live.

Even if it takes forever, I resolved that I wouldn't let my taboo feelings for Lillian get the best of me.

So there you have it. The short reason why I was faced with having to consistently keep up appearances by going out with complete strangers. I had met Selma or Sarah, no it was Seirra, less than an hour ago and she was starting to irritate me. To make matters worse, I was exhausted from the culinary class I took. They usually had us standing for a good 6 hours of gourmet cooking and serving. So you can see why I was really in no mood to be pretending to like the bitch. At least not today.

Selma was a looker, that much I couldn't deny, but my mind wasn't as into the date as I had wished... I had resorted to daydreaming of Lillian in order not to fall asleep. Chastising myself for it, I felt that all too familiar pang of guilt. This shit needed to stop. After eleven years of entertaining the forbidden feelings I harbored, a part of me was terrified that there was no getting over it without professional help... Maybe that was what I needed. A damn shrink. One afternoon, I even went and got a psychologist's card from the career center at my college, determined to go get help, but was unable to make the call because some stupid shit came up. The card now lived somewhere in the mess of my room. Probably gathering dust and cobwebs.

Donning a monkey suit in an upmarket restaurant, I was just about done listening to Sierra go on about Mac cosmetics and her favourite shade of burgundy. She seemed to have noticed my absentmindedness and resorted to rubbing her foot against my leg to get my attention. I nearly choked on my beer when she gave me that 'ravish me tonight' look when I met her gaze. Free sex, every man's dream.

"How about we skip dessert and get outta here?" She cooed.

That wasn't such a bad idea considering that I'd spare my life savings if I ended the night early and ditched the overpriced joint.

"Sure," I said, motioning for the waiter to bring us our bill.

We left the place and I took the highway to her house. The car was silent and the ride felt awkward as hell. Sara or Senna, Serena kept rubbing her hand over my leg and reaching for my member, and I retaliated thrice by rubbing her hand, kissingand giving it back to her, telling her not to distract me while I drove, lest i cause an accident. That was as 'nice' as I'd get but the headache knocking on my skull was slowly dissipating my kindness. The girl probably had a low alcohol tolerance to be throwing herself at a complete stranger like this. That or she got attached real quick.

When she reached out again, I concluded the she wasn't going to take any kind of hint. Eau de desperation by Clingy was not a good scent on such a pretty face. Maybe sex with her wasn't the best thing for the long run. I foresaw many texts, calls and jealous outbursts from her in my future. And never before has Phil Deville been one to ignore such prophecies of doom. My gut feeling never let me down.

When we finally arrived at her apartment, I walked her to the door, hand in hand. Turning to her, I feigned a smile and lied that I had class early the next day, but would have otherwise loved to sleep over. More lies.

"That's a bummer," she said, kissing me on the lips. "I really enjoyed myself."

"Me too," I lied again, returning the kiss stole of any passion or honesty, just marred with fatigue and lack of pretense.

When I returned home, it was nine fifteen.

All I wanted was to knock out peacefully on my bed and sleep in the whole weekend. Usually I would have resigned it to still be too early to go to bed and g to a bar to drink but tonight I didn't care much to stick to a sleeping schedule. I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained for the day and I desperately needed to replenish my energy bar.

I got to my door to find it unlocked when I tried to key it open. Panicking, I pulled out my phone and dialed 911. While I was pulling the door open, I braced myself to possibly attack an axe murderer, robber or some other variation of dangerous criminal. But when I entered, I spotted the last person I wanted to see that night sitting on the couch watching TV under a blanket, looking comfortable.

Lillian.

Shit.

"Hello, 911?" asked the operator.

* * *

_There you have it! The beginning of a story I had BEEEEEN meaning to start but kept putting off. I'm a bit on the fence about this one, maybe I'll leave it as a oneshot, and let your imaginations take it whereever you want._

_But if want, do comment and I guess I'll just see how it goes fromhow popular the story is :) -L92_


End file.
